It's amazing how your life can turn upside down in a matter of minutes. I feel so lost, and I feel like I have no where to turn for help. There are so many things to figure out and I don't know where to begin. What will I do about my job? How will we still be able to support ourselves with a baby who's going to need 3 costly surgeries and an unknown amount of hospitalization? How will we care for our almost 5 year old? Who will watch the baby while we are at work? It's all so overwhelming and I can't stop feeling helpless. I believe in miracles and I know I will pray every second I can for a miracle for my Evan. I will not give up on him or his fight, we will make whatever sacrifices we can to save him. I just don't understand why he won't be okay, I FEEL him move, I can HEAR his heart beating. I am so in love with him already and I dread having to see him go through any pain and suffering. How is this fair?! He's only a baby. I don't want to question God, but I just don't understand why any baby has to go through all of this. Why us? All I want now is to carry to term, deliver my little man, and hold him. I just want to feel his warm skin in my arms, cuddle him, give him kisses, and let him know mommy and daddy are going to be by his side through everything he will have to go through. I fear we won't be able to bond with him. I feel guilty for taking so many things for granted in my life. Every time I hug my sweet girl Elli, my eyes water up. I have never appreciated the fact that she is so healthy, and wakes up every single morning. She can run and play and go to school like all normal kids her age. I will NEVER take that for granted again.
So our little man is going to be born with half a heart. That's so hard to write. Half a heart. Here's a cute story I found today that I found very comforting..
It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you". He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that he is just going for a visit. He is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work". But the little angel is still a little scared. He asks, "Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine." Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan. He says "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart." "Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when its time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."
Evan Scott Sawyer,
In a few weeks you will make your entrance into this world. It's going to be a long, rocky road for the first year, but I promise you mommy and daddy will be there for you every step of the way. I love you already and it brings me so much joy to feel you squirming around in my tummy, even though you sometimes keep me up at night. :) I can't wait to give your sweet little face some kisses! You're going to be a miracle Evan, I can feel it in my heart. SO many people are praying for you already, and will continue to pray for you until you are completely healed. God is in control here, my sweet baby boy. He creates miracles and I believe he can perform a miracle for you. It's so comforting to know you are PERFECT as long as you are inside of me. I wish I could keep you there forever. I still feel lost, not knowing what to expect is hard for me. But I know you are strong! I can't wait to see you grow up.. If you are anything like your father, you will be an AMAZING man. So just a few more weeks baby Evan. Hang in there for us baby, we can't wait to bring you home.. <3