I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you wholeYou're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start...
(An excerpt from a favorite song of mine, "All of Me" by Matt Hammit. This song has helped me thru a lot this year...)
I knew Evan was going to change my life. From the moment we found out about his heart, I knew we would never be the same. What I didn't know, was how he was going to change me. I was Sad. Angry. Scared. Determined. Hopeful. Faithful. Weak. Helpless. I was lost, and Evan saved me. He strengthened my faith in the Lord. He gave me a relationship with God that I never had. And without that relationship, I never could have made it thru this year; Evan wouldn't have made it thru this year. But, here we are, two days shy of Evan's first birthday and I am so grateful for God's love and healing he has provided for my baby boy. You are safe in the arms of the Father! Evan is a living miracle, you cannot deny that..
People often commend my strength thru everything we have been thru this past year. I always respond that I am not strong, just faithful. It's the truth. The feeling of peace I felt before, during, and after Evan's surgeries is indescribable. I rarely think of Evan as only having half a heart. We don't dwell on the fact that he is considered "terminally ill" or his life expectancy is "unknown". I find it peaceful to know if the Lord called him home tomorrow his heart would be whole and he would never know pain again. Am I scared of what's to come? Of course. You can't be a Heart mom and NOT be scared of losing your precious child. It's a common occurrence in our community, and I cannot express how saddened I am every time a CHD baby earns their wings. All I can do is squeeze my little guy a little tighter, and pray he will be with me another day.
I cannot take Evan anywhere without being stopped by a total stranger to have Evan smile at them for just a few more seconds. He is just so happy all the time. I have never seen someone not smile back at Evan when he flashes those big brown eyes at them and grins from ear to ear. He just makes you melt, really, I'm not just saying that because he's mine :) I absolutely love hearing how "healthy and happy" he looks. I am so proud of him! Evan has been thru two open-heart surgeries this year and his little scars are the only reminder. I never wanted Evan to suffer; I was so worried about his quality of life.. But he shows me everyday how happy he is to be here with us, and life doesn't get any better than that.
Evan is rolling over, sitting up, scooting on his bottom, clapping his hands, waving bye bye, giving kisses, playing with toys, saying "mama" and "dada", and grinding his teeth (lol). He is still delayed, but slowly we are catching up. He has been getting up on all fours and moving his hands to crawl, he is definitely strengthening his upper body. I couldn't be more proud of the progress he has made since his second surgery. He may be reaching milestones slower than others his age, but he will catch up, and soon this will all be just a memory.
It has been quite the year, we've had our ups and down, but I wouldn't trade any of it. I am so in love with my big boy and cannot wait to see what's to come <3
Evan's First Year <3
|4.5 hours before Evan was born :)|
|Pre-surgery, swollen from medication (1 day old)|
|Post Norwood (9 days old)|
|Hi Mama, so nice to see you <3 (2 weeks old)|
|First Christmas (3 weeks old)|
|Snuggly & warm at HOME (1mth)|
|The first of many smiles to come (3mths)|
|Mama I hate tummy time! (4mths)|
|Post Glenn (5mths)|
|Smiling the day after his second open heart surgery :)|
|Enjoying his freedom post Glenn! (6mths)|
|Pool time! (6mths)|
|hehe, rolls galore! (7mths)|
|Our little HERO (7mths)|
|Enjoying the TN mountain air (8mths)|
|Bath time! (9mths)|
|First trip to the park (9mths)|
|Loving the beach (9mths)|
|1st trip to Daddy's work (10mths)|
|Love my Mama (10 mths)|
|1st Halloween w/ my big sissy (10mths)|
|Happy Turkey Day! (11mths)|
|My first Birthday present, 2 days early ;)|